THE OI OI OI SONG

When I wanna hear somebody say "Oi!",
I need nothin’ but a bottle of oi
For a woman with a bottom so oi
To get ridin’ on this bawdy bad boy! 
Oi! Oi! Oi! 
It’s up 'n' down without a frown: service with a smile! 
It’s up 'n' down then in the brown - love that doggie-style! 
It’s slip 'n' slide till satisfied and no, they never fake! 
A slip 'n' slide so bona fide you’d even see’em quake! 
It’s in 'n' out without a doubt for hours upon end! 
It’s in 'n' out until I spout then find another friend! 

​

MOLIUSKAS SU BARZDA

Laikas gyventi! Laikas mirti! 
Laikas juoktis! Laikas verkti! 

Pigus šokiai! Bučiuojantys... 
Pusbroliai! Tik vieną naktį kartu! 

Moliuskas su barzda! 

Būk geras! Būk galingas! 
Būk žiniuonis! Būk trimatis! 

I mokyklą, Daug išmokti! 
Pupelės pietums, Kortom lošti! 

Moliuskas su barzda! Oi! Oi! Oi! 

Matau merginą, Glamonėti; 
Matau berniuką, Sakykite taip! 

Matau dukrą, Matau sūnų; 
Jūros vandens, Matau padegimą! 

​

LIKES IT ROUGH

I hate dumpin' at my girl's place
She gets cheap paper by the case; 
I like it like a powder puff, 
She aint thrifty - she likes it rough! 

She likes it so rough! 
She don’t like that cottony stuff…
She likes it so rough! 
But I think I’ve had enough... 

The first time I used it I bled…
I came right out and scratched my head; 
She looked back and said “That's just tough!”, 
“I like cheap paper ‘coz it's rough!” 

Real rough... 

Can’t believe it's such an issue, 
Gonna dump her due to tissue; 
She just won't believe it - it's no bluff, 
She won't switch - she likes it rough! 
Enough!

​

MAMA'S BONE-IN HAM

At the butcher's chewin' fat -
Mama talks about this and that! 
Soon the meat's ready to go; 
It’s a fav'rite- doncha know?! 

Now we're in a happy mood -
Mama's in there cookin' food! 
Never beef, chicken or fish
Just bone-in ham – that's the dish! 

Bone-in ham: pork nirvana! 
Love that meat glazed by mama! 
Gets mad 'coz we yell “Hot damn!” 
When she serves that bone-
Bone-in ham! 

Big bad wolf just eatin' pig
Before and after each gig! 
We don't want no leg of lamb! 
We crave mama's bone-in ham! 

Mama’s bone-in ham - sweet as cherry jam; 
Oh no! Thank you, ma’am…

Singin' 'bout ham on the bone -
Right into this microphone! 
Crystal-clear fidelity! 
Thank God for mom's recipe!

​

SNATCH IN CHAINS 

Her perfume is the right stuff -
Attractin’ many guys; 
But if they tease that tight muff -
All get a big surprise! 

Snatch in chains! Snatch in chains! 
It's one of them endless refrains! 
Snatch in chains! Snatch in chains! 
But through the back door entertains! 

Her makeup is the ticket -
Catchin’ ev'ry man's eye; 
But when one wants his dick wet -
It's gonna stay real dry... 

On the brink of a weakest link? 
We don’t know where to start! 
Is the key to her chastity
The same one to her heart? 

Her tight clothes get a fist pump
From boys all over town; 
But if they joke: "Hey, jizz dump!” -
They’ll all soon wear a frown!

​

V.P.L.

What have we got here? Let's just take a look... 
Sit up in my chair, must put down my book! 
Slide my glasses down and say "Well, well, well..." 
I will never frown on a V.P.L.! 

Visible panty line... no eye for fashion! 
Some say it's just a crime... crime of passion! 
Hey, waiter! Check, please! It is on the move! 
Must be a tight squeeze to get in that groove! 
It makes me happy, I know you can tell... 
I like when I see a nice V.P.L.! 

One thing I sure learned as I got older: 
Booty's in the eye of the beholder!

​

NEW YORK GIRLS

Well, those California girls – they may look so fine, 
But here’s a little tale I wanna tell you of mine…
The Florida girls can't have all the sunshine
For the New York girls - they really blow my mind! 
I say "Hey, there!", I say "Hey, there!" 
Hey… how ‘bout them New York girls? 

Well, they either walk around with their jeans so tight
Or even some them without their bras at night! 
To me, all those girls - they're really a bunch of nines
Because the New York girls - they really blow my mind! 

New York girls really blow my mind! Wow! 

Well, listen everybody, this is the end my tale, 
I hoped you all liked it, 'coz after this, Mike’s gonna wail! 
And remember one thing from this tale of mine -
You know, the New York girls - they really blow my mind!OLD TOENAILS

The morning sun
streaming through 
the bathroom window
catches
the silver clippers
on the sink ledge
as I stand barefoot
on the cold tiles
and my heels
press into
the remnants of
my roommate's
late night pedicure.

​

CAT HOUSE

Beds wider than highways - no red light in view, 
Only commercial traffic is ever allowed through! 
Lyin' awake in bed, teardrops runnin' down her face... 

Don't go in the tunnel - your truck puts out the fire, 
Though there is one toll to pay, you're a streetcar named desire... 
One foot in the grave, I'm gonna be a wheel someday! 

Playin' with the dirty dozen - one dealt you a spade, 
You'll be burnin' in an oven comin' to their aid! 
Best they ever had , now you're out of the race...

​

YAH MO LEAVE U (AN UPPER DECKER)

During your parties, you bring me down... 
Now I have a plan to make you frown: 
I’ll eat burritos till I explode -
Go to your affair with my payload! 

Yah mo leave you… Yah mo leave you an upper decker! 
Upper decker stew… Yah mo really be a home wrecker! 
There'll be much ado tonight! Alright! Yah mo! 

Amid your shindig I will proceed
Into your bathroom to do my deed... 
Remove the tank lid, hover 'n' squat -
Takin' a dump where I should be not! 

Next person comes in - flushes stuff down
but they see water that comes in brown... 
They’ll try again, won’t turn out well…
They’ll say your plumbing’s gone straight to hell!